Have you missed me? I’ve sure missed you sons of bitches. Oh wait? Did I just call your mother a bitch? Sorry. It was more of an excited curse word phrase. I’m sure you have a nice Mother.
If you regularly read my blog then you realize I have not posted ALL week. OH MY! I know, it’s real and it hurts. Although writing is my jam, I’ve had to slow down this week in order to set my focus on only two things. Yoga teacher training and my family. Don’t worry, I’ve been writing in my journal on breaks from training and we’ve got some serious stuff to discuss on here when I’m finished. But this is an all or nothing type deal.
I need to relearn to focus.
Our world needs to stop the glorification of busy. One time at work they sent out an article about how multitasking is actually ruin our brains. It was fascinating. It makes sense. Since I’ve become a Mother, I do more things in one day then I ever thought was possible. Yet, half cleaning, half listening, half watching, half packing, half planning, half hugging. Quickly water the flowers, quickly throw shit in a diaper bag, quickly blog at night when I get the chance, quickly text my friends when I pull into a parking lot before work, quickly run out of the yoga studio to get to work on time, quickly pack lunches, quickly throw in laundry, quickly run to the grocery store.
STOP. You’ve got to FOCUS.
So why do Yoga teacher training?
Because I gotta!
For me. I’ve always wanted to do this. Yoga may have saved my dark soul. If you read my blog you know I am the child of divorce, addiction, & mental health issues. When I was finally ready to grow up during my 20s, yoga helped me grow as a person. It taught me to relax my mind. It taught me to take care of myself. It taught me to make time for myself.
I remember my Mother always saying, “you and me fight because we are the same.” I hated that. I can hear those words vibrating in my bones. She made me feel like I was destined to become her. All growing up, I couldn’t understand what she was talking about. I was athletic, loud, confident, funny, excessive, with a larger than life personality. Our personalities were nothing alike. That is all I could see as a kid. We were nothing alike.
I carried that with me forever. Always checking myself. Making sure I stopped drinking for a while. Then I went to Yoga and actually learned about myself. Quite frankly, she was right. We are alike. Not in personality, but in how our brains actually function. We both get completely anxiously bent out of shape before we do things. I don’t like the feeling of waiting. I don’t want to disappoint. I have an extremely intelligent brain but it is FIRING. ALL DAY LONG. Good thought. Bad thoughts. Happy thought. Worried thoughts. Weird thoughts. Funny thoughts. It is why I am the best and why I am the worst.
Then I had my boys and I really understood it. I dipped into the sea of postpartum depression. I wasn’t disconected to them. I wasn’t unhappy. I was just draining. I was pregnant for two years straight and my body was leaking. I cried EVERY DAY. It made no sense. I was exhausted, confused, hormonal, emotional. It all started to click. Maybe alcohol was her bandaid, but it didn’t have to do with alcohol at all.
It was pretending to be okay. Never asking for help. Never taking time for herself. Taking on too much to impress people who didn’t matter. Caring about people who didn’t matter. Not coming back down to the ground. Being swept up by what our culture tells you to do vs. what is actually good for your mental health. My Mother had 4 children in 5 years. The last two were a set of twins.
I can remember telling her that she needed to go see a counselor and she was like… “why?” I would say, “Hmmmm….I don’t know, you got divorced after 21 years in the messiest split ever, you crashed your car and got an OUI, a couple years later you had a double mastectomy and chemo, both your parents and two of your sisters have died… You pick…”
It was always about keeping up appearances.
It’s simple but it’s hard. Tell the truth. TODAY I’m not okay. Tomorrow will be better, but today I am not okay.
So after I had my boys, I did the unthinkable. I went to a counselor. After years of avoiding this. And guess what? It was awesome. I wish I could go there every week. Unload all my shit onto an outsider? Let someone into the darkest parts of my heart? Seems to weird at first. Then it became awesome. Discussing balance, self care, happiness, life transitions. Is opening up hard? Yup. But was it beautiful? You bet. Did it solve all my problems instantly? Nope. Over time? Oh yes.
You grow outside your comfort zone. Twenty one year old Brittany didn’t even tell her SISTER and BESTEST LIFE PARTNER PAL that her college boyfriend who she lived with cheated on her many times or broke up with her and tried to sleep with her roommate. Why? Who knows why? Oh because I wanted to marry him and I didn’t want my family to hate him? Ew, barf. Shove stuff down and it will ruin your soul. By the end of our many year relationship, I was a shell of myself. How could I have ever confused that with love? The truth is….. IT HAPPENS. Every one in their life will have horrible things happen to them. It’s a messed up truth. Someone will hurt you. Someone will disappoint you. The only thing that really matters is how you choose to heal.
Do I have to become an alcoholic because I was trained by adults, who I thought loved me, to eat my feelings? To keep up appearances. To not talk about what’s hard, when I am EXACTLY the type of person who needs to GET IT OUT. Not dwell on it. Not let it steal my peace. Just be my authentic self. I cried this week at Yoga training and my first thought was to be embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. Why?
Because someone told me that. Somewhere along the way, someone planted that seed in my head that you should be ashamed of crying. I had done 6 90 minute Bikram yoga classes in 3 days. I had been there 8am-11pm each day. At 11 pm on the third day when I was standing on the podium supposedly delivering a posture verbatim, no words could come out. I was tired, frustrated and started to be full of self doubt. Everyone else was doing so well. Am I going to be the worst one? Should I have even done this? Everything just started bubbling over. I couldn’t stop. It seriously wouldn’t stop.
Then a funny thing happened. NO ONE CARED. Instead they were supportive and amazing. I cried the whole way home too! Came home and horrified my grounded, logical husband for the millionth time in our relationship. I was crying like someone died. But he tucked me into bed. I crashed as soon as I closed my eyes and I decided to just let it go. I woke up the next morning and felt like I had released every nerve I had been holding.
Guess what? I completed the whole week. I got better each day. I did 990 minutes of yoga in a 100 degree room in one week. I got stronger. I got more focused. I listened. I learned. I decided to trust the process. I’m not suggesting you go around crying all the time in your daily life, but know when things needs to be released. Shoving them down doesn’t work. Sometimes they have to come out so they can leave.
I am a happy stable adult. Why? Because when I get out of balance, I fix myself.
I went to a counselor, I practice yoga, I surround myself with beautiful, real, messy, delightful creatures (What up Unicorns.) I wear active wear 75% of the time and I genuinely don’t give a shit what you think. I do whatever I have to do to make sure I am the best I can be for those little boys. And guess what? I AM A DAMN GOOD MOM!
So why the yoga? Why the yoga studio? Because it is full of these delightful creatures. People who want to better themselves. People who don’t care how much money you make. People who aren’t wearing make up. People who know they can’t take care of every one else if they don’t take care of themselves FIRST. It’s not selfish, it’s brilliant.
Why have we as Americans lost our way so badly? We want to be healthy, but we act like its this HUGE mystery.
FOOD. SLEEP. EXERCISE.
If you eat well, your gut will not be full of bad bacteria, which is COMPLETELY scientifically linked to mood disorders, lack or energy, and one zillion issues with your body.
If you don’t sleep, you are not clear, or focused. Your brain retains things while you are sleeping. A person who gets the right amount of sleep is happier, more energized, and set up for success.
If you don’t move your body, you are a moron. Sorry that was harsh but its the truth. In 2016, we pay bills online instead of running the errand. We read everything on our phone instead of going to a library or book store. We drive instead of walk. We order clothes online instead of shop. We order take out instead of gardening. We pay a landscaper instead of mowing our lawn. WE HIRE DOG WALKERS. We work from home instead of heading out in the world. We Skype more and visit less. We have MOTHER FUCKING MOVING WALKWAYS in airports. I could seriously go on forever…
Is it all bad? NO! Of course not. My sister in California can watch my children dancing live from my cell phone. Technology is FINE. Yet we can’t stop moving. Everyone is depressed and anxious. It’s because we don’t move like we are supposed to move. I’m not talking about you signing up for a marathon. I’m talking about walking your own god damn dog. Stretch for 15 minutes before you go to bed. Stop looking at pictures of beautiful places on your Instagram and go see something BEAUTIFUL. I saw a hummingbird in my flowers tonight while watering and it was majestic as FUCK.
Moving makes you happy.
I choose every day to be happy.
I choose to build a happy life around myself.
I don’t let my childhood define me. My parents are divorced, I got married. I have a large history of alcohol abuse in my family, I drink beers when I feel like it. Because I take care of myself. People are so confused about addiction these days. It has nothing to do with drugs and alcohol, it’s because people are lost. They are numbing themselves from the world. I don’t need to numb myself from the bad. I just keep trying to create more good.
You may be horrified by the stuff that I just admitted out loud on the inter web, but I’m willing to guess that my life is more fun than yours.
I laugh when I trip over stuff. I read books. I throw water balloons at children. I tell people I love them. I send people stuff in the mail. I talk to random strangers. I hug my dog. I wander in the woods. I take a million pictures. I sexually harass my husband. I ask for help. I tell the truth. I don’t pretend.
And guess what?
Ever since I have adopted this philosophy, my life has become jam packed with really amazing people. GO FIGURE.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
You are not your story.
AHHHHHH…. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO WRITE, but I MUST GO STUDY. I gave myself a time limit. Therefore, I will not proof read this. If you find grammatical errors, congratulations.
Gotta stay focused!
Don’t worry, I’ll be back writing with a vengeance! I feel so clear and I’m learning so much!
STAY TUNED FOLKS.