I dream of inventing something baby related. First time parents are the best marketing audience ever. You can convince a nervous pregnant woman to buy anything to try and prepare and control a situation that is so far beyond your control.


Don’t get me started on Sophie Le Giraffe. $24.99 for a teething toy. Knock it off. That giraffe thinks she is fancy and I don’t like it.


“You NEED to get your baby this!” Says the overly excited Mom at brunch.

No. You could spend half that on a less ridiculously overpriced teething ring and give the other half to foster care programs. Did you know those babies are born with nothing at all? Not even a competent human to hold them.


“Your baby will LOVE this teething toy.” Said someone in a flowered dress at a baby shower.

Your baby would also be happy as a pig in shit to play with a red solo cup.


“It’s such an adorable thing for them to suck on.” Said your Nana.

That’s what she said.

Do things have to be adorable to suck and jab around in your mouth? Cause it could be setting false expectations for when they grow up one day and find out what a penis looks like.


I wanted to toss my two cents in on what new parents REALLY need when preparing for baby.

My list is a little different than you would find on the Babies R Us Website. Because truth be told, some of the most important things you will need can not be purchased.



  1. Support system

It matters very little who supports you, and more that you surround yourself with people that you feel comfortable asking for help.

Write down 3 people you could talk to on the phone that wouldn’t be freaked out when you starting hard crying into the phone.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a spouse, friend, teacher, neighbor, who ever it is for you! Just know that at some point you will need some help. You will need loving words and reassurance.

Don’t worry, it happens to us all.

Ugly crying in your car uncontrollably is practically a rite of passage into motherhood. DOn’t worry about it.

Let it all out. Then regroup.


2. Amazon prime wipes delivery

I clean my leather couch with baby wipes. I wash my floor with baby wipes. I scrub my kids with baby wipes. I wipe food off my cabinets when my friends aren’t looking with baby wipes.

Just keep ‘em coming…

It ends up being the cheapest way to purchase them. They are discounted because you sign up for a monthly delivery.

You will need them. Poop everywhere.


3. Blue tooth noise cancelling headphones.

OMG my family gives me life. I would never want to noise cancel them out.

Okay sure. Wait 3 years and then talk to me.


4. At home hobbies.

Your kids will get sick. Snow will lock you inside. Kids need to nap.

At some point or another you will feel like you are being held hostage at your own home.

Think about ways to make your life fun at your own home.

Could you work out at home? Do you have some books you can read? Art area. Meditation station. Punching bag.


You will spend more time at your house then you did before. Holding down the fort.

Make sure that doesn’t mean you don’t still get to learn, do, grow, listen to, extinguish anger, or whatever else refills your cup.


5. A best friend who is NOT your spouse.

“Getting married to my BEST friend” says all my Facebook friends.

Hmm.. that’s all well and good. But my husband isn’t my best friend.

He is my life partner, my #1, my protector, my love, my home. I get emotional just thinking of things to list in that sentence. I love that guy.

Yet he is not my best friend. Because if he was my best friend, who would I call to say, “I’m going to fucking kill him.” to?

My sister. That’s my best friend.

Cause I fell in love i’m suppose to just abandon the person I shared bunk beds with in the 90s? No thank you.


6. A cold mist humidifier

Have that on deck somewhere in your bathroom closet.

One night your baby will be sick. You will be thankful for any type of help you can give to your sick baby. Too little for cold meds. Waiting for a virus to pass. Any type of congestion relief will make for a happier tiny human.


7. Knowledge

You are about to bring a human into the world. Do you want to do a good job?

If answer is “no”

Please take your hand and slap yourself in the face.


If answer is “yes”

Then learn about stuff that will make you a better parent. Know CPR. Read about your childbirth options.

You are going to be in some crazy situations once you become a parents and guess what?

You are always in charge now.

So remember, there is no reason to go crazy and read every book about babies. But get interested in topics that can help you be a better parent.

There is just so much information available and you wouldn’t even have to leave your couch. Mine as well check it out.


Lastly, know that things like postpartum depression exist.


Sometimes I wonder if we don’t talk about that to pregnant women because we don’t want to scare them. You don’t want the glowing pregnant Mom to have to perseverate on the idea that this baby could show up and that might mess with your hormones so much that you just hold him and cry all day.

I get that. I don’t want to worry anyone.

Most of them will experience nothing close to that.

Yet everyone should also be aware that postpartum is a physical,psychological, and emotional healing process for a woman who has just given birth.

It affects everyone differently.

Just know that there are so many great resources to help you with anything in the transition into motherhood.

Sometimes I like think about all the ladies i’d never met before hugging me in this dingy basement conference room of the hospital as I cried into my sleeping 10lbs two day old baby.

Breast feeding support group? How far outside my comfort zone. Yet, what a small beautiful moment of strangers being exactly what I needed. Someone else who understood. That was all I needed.

I couldn’t breastfeed him. It was NOT working. Which I NOW know is a huge trigger for postpartum depression.

It doesn’t matter if intellectually knew that this wasn’t a huge deal. He would take formula. He would be fine.

This weird emotional postpartum Mom side of me left me empty with the feeling that I couldn’t feed my kid and it was supposed to be the most natural part of motherhood.

Good news, it passes. Things continue to change and heal.

But the secret to it all is learning how to ask for help. Reaching out to someone. It speeds up the process of putting yourself back together.


8. Journal

Write things down. Put the journal next to your bed. Write down funny things your kids said to you that day. Write down their height or weight.

Don’t write for two weeks.

Write every night.

Don’t put pressure on yourself. One sentence.

Just write stuff down.

I promise future you will look back at it and smile.

We live in this 24/7 media crazed tech world and then on top of that being a parent, makes a lot of information fall by the wayside in years down the road.

9. Maxi Pads

You will pee your pants during postpartum time. It happened to a friend of mine…


10. Love

 Your love and attention will develop your child faster than any play mat with 17 zoo animals on it can. Your words, songs, and facial expressions will be the main tool in your baby learning to develop and thrive.

 The amount of words you say to your baby and sing to your baby will have a direct correlation with how easily they develop language.

 Your smell will soothe them.

Did you know that if you hold a baby on your chest and breathe really slowly, they will match your breath? You just hold them against your chest and take long slow deep breaths. If they wiggle, just keep breathing slower, longer, deeper. Be patient and you will see the baby match your breath.
Do you see? Buy some diapers. Get some blankets. But in the end..

You are exactly what your baby needs.



Somebody’s MOTHER.

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