That Girl Knows Nothing


Ya that one in the white dress. Look at that beautiful idiot. That girl knows nothing of what lays ahead.
Considering I got pregnant most likely the day after my wedding, this photo marks the beginning of my real life. A life where I held that guys hand and jumped.


 Motherhood is….

The word easy is not on that list.
No one tells you it’s going to be easy.
Literally, no one.
There are easy days! Don’t get me wrong. There are days I feel like giving myself a high five for how great the day went. I look at Bandit who is passed out on the couch and I’m like, “Hey lazy, feel free to applaud me for just winning the nap war.” Then you pause and you’re like whoa. I’m talking to my dog. Not even talking, I’m scolding him for being a lazy cat. You need more sleep Mom!.. But do you “nap when the babies nap?” Absolutely not. How can I enjoy my silent time if I am asleep?

When you are pregnant the rule is, “Every pregnancy is different.”
No one can prepare you completely for the challenges that lay ahead because no one can actually tell you what challenges you will face.

Every one’s journey is different.

That’s how it works.

When you’re like WHY can’t someone just tell me what to put on my baby registry???

Your first trip to Babies R Us you are like, “What is this place? A florescent lit overpriced portal to hell?” Someone will swear you need a diaper genie. Someone will tell you they never took theirs out of the box. You know the drill.

Then you have a baby and the rule becomes “No two babies are the same.”

Personally, my first baby had reflux and threw up like a frat boy at a keg party for the first 6 months of his life.

Even with the reflux meds, he was a filthy little beast who would projectile vomit multiple times a day. He puked on many a loved one at a fancy Christmas party. Good thing he was so insanely cute that it’s hard to care. I used to tell people that he only puked on people he really likes.

Exhibit A:

All I know is that I’m happy we moved into a new house after that barf fest was over. hahaha. I cleaned all the time. Bandit cleaned… hahaha.. Gross, but true.

But after that, I wanted to burn every rug and hit the road. So we did! But other Mom’s may have experienced nothing of the sort! Maybe they have white rugs! Good for you, I’m proud of you.

Me personally, I had to clean peanut butter out of my ear before I went into the grocery store yesterday. Ben was a puker, but he was also about the most chill baby you could ever meet. I mean who throws up and then laughs? My baby. That’s who.

The only rule that stays true forever for pregnancy, childbirth, babies, kids, and teens is that it is hard. Every one’s “hard” times are different.

For all the days that are magical rainbow unicorn shits of a day, there will be days that will challenge you. Days where you hop into Mom survival mode. You mine as well have a whistle and a lasso to control the chaos. Just trying to get the team to bed time.

If you see a Mom who seems to have everything together all the time, be happy for her that she is having a good day. But know that even she has had days where she may have walked into work and not realized she had baby vomit all down the back of her shirt. Umm… That happened to a “friend” of mine. Wink wink. It happens to the best of us.

Motherhood is just so damn wonderful and hard at the exact same time. No one hides this fact from you when you start chatting about procreation.

I was a newly wed and two months pregnant but no one knew this fact. I had many conversations where people offered me marriage advice about waiting to have a baby. “You have to be married for at least a year.” “You need to enjoy each other.”

Whoops. Preggo my eggo.

We went on our honeymoon exactly one month after our wedding. By Wednesday of our honeymoon week I was sending Josh down to the farmacia multiple times because I could not believe the pee running down my arm. I mean believe the PLUS sign on the stick. But yes, I peed on my hand. Sometimes its hard to judge and I was pretty darn nervous. Haha. Don’t judge me.

Some people tell you nicely that becoming a parent is hard. Some people tell you very bluntly.
So you hear all your fair warnings. You smile politely at this advice and then go back to living your own life. You get pregnant.
People tell you it will be tough.
You say Ya, ya, I know. I know. Then you go home and take cute pregnant selfies and doodle baby names in your journal.

That girl knows nothing. She probably took off that dress ten minutes later, put on sweatpants, and laid in bed and pinterested nonsense she knows she will never make for hours. Oh beautiful naive flower of a moron. You have no idea what’s coming.

Then you have a baby….
And you’re like “OH MAN THIS IS REALLY HARD!!!” You say it dramatically, like it’s a brand new finding.

You say it to the people who told you this is the first place.

You just have to experience some things for yourself to understand them, says every quote about walking in someone else’s shoes ever.

So after this giant life ranting prologue 
about the challenges that come with becoming a parent. 
Let’s get to today:

Today I am sitting in my Jeep listening to the baby music class CD. Tylenol for everyone.

Nice warm heat in the car going.

Just sitting in our driveway.

I’ve got my lap top in my lap and my feet up on my dashboard. The little smudgy baby is out cold. Front teeth are currently cutting through. He could not possibly be more miserable. I am miserable because I want to make him feel better. It is my job after all.

I feel like I’m failing him.

But I also kinda want to sell him on EBay at this point in time because the crying has been going on for days. Not even crying, just constant whining and needing to touch me at all times. Stage five clinger. If I get more than 3 feet away from him he just looses his mind. He is currently my stalker lover. It’s getting old.

Ben is watching intensely out the window. He doesn’t want to miss a dog, truck, ball, or train that he can point out to me. His eyes keep opening and closing. You turn up twinkle twinkle, hoping it will push him over the edge. All you want for Christmas is Smudgy’s two front teeth, and a little silence. Is that so much to ask?

 Last week he was outside with my Dad 
and he looks up at the sky and points to the moon and says,
“What’s that? A ball?”
Grandad says,” That’s the moon.”
“Oh, Moon.” He says. 
Now every morning he has to go to the front yard 
and points up and goes, “Wheresa Moon?”

This morning there was rioting going on in your house. Every one had to be banished to the Jeep.

We drove for a while. I drank coffee and stalked around town.

My crew is pretty jolly most of the time, but every baby has their day.

We are in Day 3 of the hostage situation. I have done the following in this time of hostile take over:


Barely any.

-Slept in my toddler’s crib with him. We are running on fumes and babies screaming from 1 am- 4 am three nights in a row. This is survival mode people. Husband was sleeping on the floor with your toddler because he refuses to lay down in bed with us. (I have the opposite problem of most people). While simultaneously I had laid down the baby in our bed with me.
Wait. Pause.
Disclaimer: Mother’s who feel the need to tell other mother’s how they should take care of their children, save the lecture please! I know the dangers of having a baby in your bed. I read all the books. My first child never went in the bed with us. Hence why now he thinks the only place in the world to sleep is in his crib even tho he’s a small person now. But that doesn’t change that I’m up between 1am-5am every night this week. Along with working a full time job. And a 2-10pm job none the less. So I am Mom from 5am-2pm then work hat from 2-10pm. Then Mom again from 1AM-5 AM. I am not telling you this to pat myself on the back, even though if you want to stand up give me a round of applause, I won’t stop you. I’m just telling you this to illustrate the point that my children may be currently trying to kill me.
Pre-kids I never actually deserved to use the word exhausted. I now know what exhaustion feels like. I opened the snack pantry the other day and found the milk.
  Don’t worry! In the end. Even in my desperate attempt to lay down with him. We did not sleep. He just slapped me around a bit and thrashed as much as possible until I couldn’t take it any more.
 Multiple times.

You realize you are lucky to have friends that know when you need them. They can hear it in your voice. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask. Any one who shows up, helps you bathe and put down your kids and brings this in her hand is definitely someone worth keeping.


Ran over my foot with the walker and rip some skin off my toes. Pulled my hair. Separate my big toe and my second toe on the leg of the coffee table while trying to dive and save you from smacking your head on the wood floor. Holy mother of Mary that is that worst. Some friendly slapping. You know when they are so tired they have their eyes closed but yet they are still whining and slapping you around a bit. Limbs just thrashing around out of no where. Changing diapers has become an athletic event and a test of will power. Neither one of them will lay on their back. I am down right impressive at how quickly I can change the diaper of someone who is simultaneously crawling away from me.  We have spent a lot of time in the stroller this week.



What a great drill to practice your team work. You both get  woken up by a baby and toddler screaming at the top of their lungs at 3 AM. It’s confusing. It’s irrational. Hug them in the morning. Make fun of yourselves. The husband is building on the island so he is up at the crack of dawn and home just in time for a bedtime story and a kiss. He works too hard. You are thankful for this. But he’s exhausted and you miss him when he’s not around. You’re exhausted. This too shall pass.

Now your true voice in your head is going to say. Well Britt, you did decide to have your kids close in age. What did you think it was going to be like? Not all days can be wagon rides and cute Instagram posts. Well, that is true. Good point. Soo now it’s time to rally. Because you’re the Mom. That is what you do. You suck it up and rally. You frown at the realization that there are no netflix sick days in your future. That’s okay. A strange part of me doesn’t mind. But in the spirit of life motivation, I’ll leave you a list of some of my favorite quotes. I promise you’ll be in a good mood after reading all them. If at the end of reading them you are like, “Uh…Not in a better mood.” Well then you were probably a butt face to begin with. Your mood ring is a filthy brown. Go get some exercise and drink some damn water. Then re-read.

Anyways, here you go! 















Are you pumped now? Will you go seize the day? Sign up for a 5K or at least clean your bathroom! Or even better, ignore your household duties and roll in the grass with your kids. My problem happens to be teething. But whatever your problem is, there is always ways to help bust out of your rut. Most of the time the solution is to go to the beach, drink water, get exercise, and love your family.

The years are short. The days are long. Remember that.

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