TODAY IS THE DAY.
I had a plan. A GLORIOUS well thought out plan.
I was going to get to cross so many things off my to do list.
- Baby music class to stimulate my kids minds
- Grocery store
- Solid naps, I would clean during nap time
- Need to clean out the jeep
- Take out too small kid clothes and trade correct sizes in
- Prescriptions at CVS, ect et. You get the picture.
My to do list was long, but I had a game plan. I boasted to the husband, “Oh man, I have SOOOO MUCH to do tomorrow. Busy day for me!” So now if you are a Mom, you know what happens next…
4:45 AM. “ello. ello. ello. Da. dadddd. daddddddd. Ja? Ja?”
I say, “Josh it’s for you. He’s not saying my name.”
Hubsand does not even open his eyes.
You two continue to have a stand off of who gets him. Guns drawn.
“ELLLOOOO. ELLLLLO. ELLO. No! No! Nooooo!”
So obviously I surrender because the inner Mom force is too strong.
“Why are you awake?”
“No! No! ”
“Should we lay back down together?”
“No! No! No!”
“Are you okay?”
Feel his tiny body. So hot. Poor bubba.
5:00 AM Sorry dude, early morning rectal temperature taking is not fun for any one involved. But it’s the most accurate. I read a lot of books when I was too fat to roll over in my bed while pregnant. So I know these things. Oh yes, that’s a fever I read on the thermometer.
5:08 AM Baby #2 crying. He obviously could sense we were partying in his brothers room and didn’t want to feel left out. Touch him. Instantly know he has a fever as well.
PLAN A PRODUCTIVE DAY IF YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING SICK KIDS.
I don’t make the rules. But that’s how it goes.
6:00 AM Give up the dream of everyone going back to bed. Start moving the party downstairs for the day.
6:05 AM Try brushing Ben’s teeth. He wants to hold the tooth brush and do it himself. Alright man, let’s see you do it. He brushes his top teeth. You applaud him. Literally. Morning bath room standing ovation. Ben laughs and then throws his tooth brush into the toilet bowl. Ugh. Awesome.
6:15 Feed the wolves. Put Nemo on while they eat. Spend 10 mins wondering if you are creating bad habits by putting on the TV while they eat breakfast. But they have stopped crying, so you ultimately decide you don’t care.
6:45 Smudgy will not stop pulling my hair. The hair is in a tight ballerina bun. Yet he still grabs at the bottom of my hair line on my neck and rips out chunks of hair. If I show up to work with a shaved head, Britney Spears style. Just mind your own business. Josh and I are getting older. He will bald from the front and I will bald from the back. We will be the hottest couple around.
7:00 AM You take every blanket and pillow you have in your house and throw it over the balcony. So a giant pillow fort can be created for optimal Nemo viewing.
7:00-8:00 Everyone cries about everything. Waaaa… He touched the balll that I’m holding. Waaa.. I shut my own hand in a book. Waaaaa… You are only my Mom and I don’t want him sitting with us.
8:00 Smudgy baby is ready for a nap. You look at Ben and he looks like he has been up for 30 hours at a rave. Red eyes, sweaty, pacifier in hand. See! Rave!. Umpt umpt umpt umpt. Not that I’ve ever been to anything like that (If you are reading this future Ben & Jack, Your Mother was a god damn saint.)
8:05 You look out the window. It’s pouring. No wonder your mood ring is already a filthy brown today. You basically have the opportunity to mud wrestle at any point during your day.
8:10 AM You put both boys back to bed. You need more coffee. You hit call on your older sisters name on your phone. Oh shit, end. end. end. end. Ahhh! Why aren’t you doing what I tell you iPhone screen?? You didn’t think about the time! She is 3 hours behind in Cali. Wake up calls are frowned upon unless something of importance! Does my imprisonment to my own home to care for sick babes count as important? Aka I’m kinda bored. I mean she is my on call nurse. It is 5:10 AM there. But that’s the best part about having a sister. Boundaries like that don’t exist. Socially appropriate rules have no place in our relationship. So you settle for texting her a list of things you want to tell her later.
8:15 AM Coffee and your couch. No TV on. Just sitting. Look at the clock and see it’s only 8:15. You put a decent amount of thought into what the hell I am going to do with these little sick terrorists who have now imprisoned you to your home or driving around in your jeep. 11 more hours you count. You could clean? Your house does look like someone came in last night and looted it but ultimately just ended up trashing the place because they couldn’t find anything worth stealing. But you clean your house so much that you are sure a little part of your soul is dying from the repetition. You decide to give yourself a break.
8:30 AM Put legs up on wall. Try drinking coffee in this position. It can be challenging. But I have a lot of practice. You wonder how other people cope with not being able to accomplish all the things they’d like to in their new life as a parent. One coping mechanism I thought of is finding a large sack of money. Hiring a nanny. So I could go to yoga every morning. Then I would play with my kids all afternoon and hire a maid to clean up after us. Then I remembered we hold down life middle class style. Darn.
What’s best for them is rest, love, comfy pjs, hugs and snugs. And believe me, I have no problem hanging in a pillow fort while drinking juice boxes and snuggling. I’m fine with that. But you know how older women will say to you, “The housework can wait. They grow up so fast.” Believe me ladies, I get the idea of that. Don’t be so caught up in stuff that doesn’t matter in the long run. Personally, ignoring housework to do fun things with my kids is definitely on my top 5 list of favorite things to do. But eventually I have to do it, or our house turns into a frat house. A frat which I am the president. Self appointed, obviously.
8:35 AM You hear them both crying. They only slept for 20 mins. If at all.
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!