Mom Hall Pass Day

There is nothing more stereotypical to do on your 29th birthday then go to a bridal shower. People are  taking the plunge. People are in love. People are handing out ultimatums! hahaha.

We got seven save the dates for this wedding season. Oh my.

The good news about driving 2 hours to a bridal shower on your birthday is that you get to say, see ya suckers to your motley crew of men and you get to see a bunch of old faces that you love.

Husband says: Are you taking the boys with you?
Wife says: Hahhaha. Um no. 2 hours each way in the car. Unless you want to attend the lady party as well, I’m going to go with no.
Husband: *Shrug* “I had to try.”

So now you have secured a Mom hall pass.

It’s basically the same as receiving the hall pass in middle school and having the freedom to roam the halls while you take your time on the way to the restroom. Running your hand down lockers. Checking your tamogatchi at your locker. Damn that’s a lot of poop that piled up while I was in Home Ec!! Walking slowly by your crushes Geography class. Thinking about how your game of M.A.S.H. in study hall says that you and him will be married, living in a mansion, 75 kids, driving a tractor, taking care of your pet monkey, all while being a trapeze artist.

You smile, because we all know, MASH is never wrong. The point is that a hall pass is a small window of freedom.

Now the problem with a Mom hall pass is that you SHOULD probably sleep, go to yoga or even clean out your closet that now looks like a place where dreams go to die. But you will do no such thing. First you will give yourself a pep talk about how much you deserve this day. Which of course is correct but you must waste time justifying it in your head anyways. Welcome to your new life.

So this is how this plays out:

You have 1,000 things to do in a day, every day, now that you have two babies.
When you have said “Mom hall pass” for the day, it should be relaxing and reenergizing. But typically it isn’t. Most in part because you love fun. So I’ll give you the outline of my 29th birthday. Terrific lady day, for sure.

5:30 AM
Your kids wake up.. WHOO HOOOOOOO. They are farmers.

It’s the worst. They are just so damn happy before 6 AM, meanwhile I can’t even walk down the stairs straight.

You try and lay with the baby in one last effort to make him go back to bed. He pulls your hair and scratches your face while you are trying to force your love upon him. After you can’t take the baby abuse anymore, you sigh loudly enough to wake up husband and stomp downstairs.

6:30 AM
You, Sir hubs, and thing 1 and thing 2 go out to breakfast. You hand Ben all the little squares of jelly so he can stack them with you. He stacks them with you twice. Then picks up one in each hands and squeezes them and explodes them on himself. You and loftily wedded husband laugh.

You wonder why you are so stupid to not have had the forethought that he would do that. Wake up Mom. You decide you don’t really care. It’s my birthday, I’ll let my kids be stained if I want to.

8:00 AM
You kiss those beautiful babies goodbye and husband dear takes them over to his parents house. I said to Ben, “Do you want to play at Nana and Papa’s house today?” and he said. “Bye! See ya!” So you know he is pleased with this plan.

8:30 AM
Spend more time than you ever have getting ready. Who’s body is this? My feet are bigger. MY HAIR IS CURRENTLY NOT CURLY. Whoa. hormones. It is so strange. Too bad top hats aren’t in style. This disaster needs to be hidden.

9:00 AM
Husband walks in with coffee. Yes. You remember why you married him.

9:30 AM
You walk around your yard with your husband and talk about the “master plan.” How we are going to renovate this Barn house. It’s going to take a long time. But it’s going to be amazing. Stayed tuned. Husbands GOT SKILLS.

10:00 AM
Drive two hours to the town you grew up in.

12:00 PM
Pull into parking lot and slam on your breaks because you see the bride walking across in front of you. The invitation said surprise. You want NO part in ruining the magical walk in. So now I’m ducking in my jeep. Someone is beeping behind me. You have the urge to give them the finger. You suppress it. Repeat after me, “Britt.. You’re 29. ”

12:00-3:00 PM
Cliff notes: Beautiful bride.  Really great job by everyone who put it together. IT WAS IN A LIBRARY. So you know I loved that. I had to resist picking through the books. TRYING my best to be lady party socially appropriate. Yummy food. People I love. Happy faces every where. Watching your little sister cheat at bridal shower present bingo. Hi Abby! You get the picture. As always, we watched the bride open gifts that she picked out. haha. I’m sorry. But I ALWAYS have to laugh at that. I did it too at my shower! I suppose it’s just tradition. It’s still funny tho. That’s why I rebelled against the system and got her a sign. Which I don’t usually go off the registry because brides be crazy. But I figured the lady of the day would like this.

4:00 PM
You go see the house Dad is renovating. Sit around with old friends out back and listen to him talk about the plans for it.

5:00 PM
Dinner with brother, sister, father, sister’s man lover, and your old boss from the ice cream stand. Who is an honorary Proctor. We have a lot of those. But she was your first work boss and you worked there for a decade. Oh and both your sisters worked there for a decade as well. So let’s just say… we got close. I have a great dane size love for her. We got delicious shit your pants Mexican. They put a sombrero on me and sang.  I started taking sombrero selfies with the brother to send to the sister in California who didn’t bother to show up for your birthday. As you are doing this, Dad says “Those sombreros are definitely full of lice.”

6:00 PM
You should go home. You have two hours to drive. But hiking in the woods with your little brother is much more fun. It’s my birthday, I’ll wander if I want to.


8:00 PM
Start your two hour journey back home. Sing SO loudly to music you probably wouldn’t be playing if anyone else was in the car. Play Biggie smalls on repeat.. “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BRITT PROC-TA! Throw your hands in the air if yous a true playa!”

10:30 PM
Hang out with your husband for too long. Say out loud at least 5x “Ughhhh I really should go to bed.” But it’s your birthday who cares?

11:30 PM
You finally call it a day. Close your eyes. Another birthday in the books.

11:45 PM
You hear the baby start to cry. You say a few choice words under your breath that social services wouldn’t approve of. But you gather yourself and resume Motherhood.

I am so fortunate that I get to spend so much time with my kids that I don’t feel guilty when I finally get a little time to myself.

It’s important for your own sanity.

The crazy thing about motherhood is that even on your once in a blue moon day off….YOU MISS THEM.

You think about them the whole day.

This morning I’ve gotten my hair pulled twice by a baby and hit in the face with a spatula by a toddler.

BUT I MISS THEM whenever they aren’t around. haha It’s ridiculous.

Some mornings when your toddler is in the mood to be your swim fan stalker, you pray for personal space. Then you get your wish and have a little Mom time and you find yourself watching videos of them! Texting your husband and being like… “uhhh why haven’t you sent me any pictures of the boys??!”

It’s craziness, but that’s Motherhood. It’s exactly why you no one can really explain it to you. You have to see for yourself. I guess I’ll just settle on I’m lucky that I get to love them so much.

Thanks boys for making getting older a whole lot easier cause I would never want to go back.

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