Job Application for Motherhood

I was just filling out an application online. Halfway done and I get distracted by preschool thunder dome going on in my living room.

Come back. It disconnected from the internet. Then my MAC is saying update something or other. Things are freezing. So I hit the update and let this beast restart.

Went and played candy land with my kids. Came back. Realized I didn’t actually save that application.


First world problem for sure. Yet still so annoying.

Anyways, My over thinking turned into day dreaming and I started laughing at the idea of a job interview for motherhood.

Are you up for the job?


Interview for MOTHERHOOD:

Hello, Welcome. Have a seat. Help yourself to the left overs from my children’s breakfast. Also, if you’d like a cold coffee I probably have a couple cups sitting around here somewhere.

So, the job! 24/7. Joy that could save your soul complimented by worry that hurts. You can choose your work partner, but remember you are tied to them forever. Even if you divorce.

Well, let’s get started:

  1. Are you okay with a zero personal space policy in the work place?


2. Demonstrate to us what shape you would contort your arm into in order to hand goldfish to a baby tyrant in the back seat.

Note: If you answered, “I would never do that. I would focus on driving.” You get an automatic -10 point deduction for saying that you would “never do something as a Mother.”

You will do unspeakable things.


3. Explain to us your game plan for keeping self care routines in your daily life:

Example: Yoga, Morning stretching, Jogging, Tea, Home work out videos, Meditation, Journaling, Sewing, Painting, Reading, Singing. Ect. Whatever it is that you do that refills your cup. 

What will you do to refill your cup?


4. Are you okay with getting peed on every time your sons brand new penis feels fresh air outside a diaper? It’s really a lot of pee.


5. Can you be fine when kids offend you in the most brutally honest way?


6. Please explain how to perfectly handle the following situation:

You are holding a crying baby. Your older child is opening a door and your dog is about to run out of it into the night. The oven timer is going off and any type of excess heat situation will most definitely set off the fire detectors. 


7. How you feel about being broken down mentally, physically, and emotionally?


8. Draw us your support system:



9. Do you feel ready to talk about poop all the time?


10. Are you prepared to read to your child every night?


11. Can you do 15 tasks at once while people try to get your attention to ask you to do more things for them?


12. Tell us why you think you are prepared to experience unconditional love?


13. Tell me 3 songs  you  will sing to your baby late at night when no one is listening?





14. Now please stand up and keep a straight face while I yell at you for 10 minutes. I will shout in your face that I want you to turn my red cup into a blue cup. It’s really the least you could do when I specifically asked for a red cup.


15. Now lay down on this couch. I’m going to jump over the back and stick my knee into your abdomen while yelling some sort of ninja reference. We need to see how you will handle this, because it will happen regularly.


16. During this portion of the interview we are going to need your life partner to come in and you will have to put together 1 pack n play, 1 crib, & 1 baby swing.

If you can complete those tasks without getting divorced, you may just be ready for the job.



Congrats, Good luck.

Here is your new boss:

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