I worry about my kids.
As do you.
Because with great love always comes great pain. Fact. Totally worth it. Still a fact.
Kids fall down. Kids get sick. Mom worry is real and it hurts.
This girl didn’t care about much:
Wait, that’s not true. She had a ton of first world white girls problems.
For example: Which selfie with my dog should I post on Instagram?
The Correct answer is F. All of the above. Obviously.
Or another worry I had was, Should I go to yoga in the morning or in the evening?! Gosh. What to do. Better consult your sister via telephone to discuss this conundrum.
(1st pregnancy. So much glorious time to take care of yourself.)
Or worry about packing for New Orleans
Or what I’m going to be for Halloween…
BUT like a giant gust of wind. Or a tornado. Well basically I’m Dorothy and this is my yellow brick road. Well, a two year long pregnancy was my yellow brick road.
One day you wake up in St. Marteen on your honeymoon. You wake up and know that there is a person living in your body. Happy is the first word I’d use to describe myself. Freaked out is the next word. There is a person living in my body. One day he is going to poke his head out and join us. Oh my.
30 hours of labor later. 48 hours later a nurse was power walking us out the door. “Here is your person. Good luck.” She said. Okay… Maybe that’s not what she said. But that’s the gist I got from it.
So I entered a world of worry. New Mom worry. It was a WHOLE NEW WORLD and Aladdin wasn’t there to fly me around on a magic carpet. Now that I have successfully kept both boys alive for 23 and 10 months, I’m much more cocky and much less worried now. Haha. I kid. But seriously, the dust has finally started to settle for us and it feels much better. The beginning is tough. You are starting a new job. Basically the starring role of your life as Mom. I only say it like that cause literally, everyone looks to you for everything. Which is what makes your job challenging and rewarding simultaneously. So like any new job, transitions are the worst. Most of the time when you are in it, you can’t identify how crazy you are being. But now you can laugh at yourself a bit. Well a lot. But hey! We all get there our own way. On our own yellow brick road.
You obviously can’t live worrying about so many things in life you can’t change. But that type of logical thinking can’t change how you feel on the day you have to stand outside a glass window while they Cat scan your 6 month old. You can’t go in because you are preggo with babe #2. That’s when Mom worry kicks into high gear and you will verbally assault any one who stands in your way. This was the first time you ever felt the split of love that comes with having more than one child. You obviously wouldn’t go in because you need to do what’s best for the man in utero, but you also can’t handle not being able to hold your baby while the nurse straps him down. In the end you cried with your face smushed up against the glass like a crazy person.
You weren’t sure you were able to feel such an ache deep inside you. You kept reminding yourself that you need to be the brave one when you were in an ambulance alone with your babe on your way up to Children’s. You are the Mom. After you give yourself the bravery pep talk, you proceed to cry on the phone to your own Dad. The little boy got croup so bad that you actually saw him stop breathing. Your heart stopped. Two hospitals, 1 ambulance rid, steroids, and three days in the hospital and you could finally breathe again. Your job is to keep him safe.
Disclaimer: Benny B is totally fine now. Croup and a nasty spill.
He was so brave.
BUT like I said, it is my job to keep them safe!! What a stressful job. Considering I call them both the safety inspectors. If you have an outlet hanging out somewhere at your house, they will find it! If there is a door to escape out of. They will push it. I want to wrap them in bubble wrap. But, I know they have to learn. They have to experience. They have to fall. I know what I signed up for, but man it just cuts so deep.
So being vigilant and caring = good.
Being a helicopter Mom = Eh. Not so much.
It took me a little while to relax. FOR instance. I’ll leave you with this. This is the note(S!) I left my husband on the first day I went back to work after my second maternity leave. JW was 5 months old and Benny b was 18 months old. I wrote down everything that was in my brain down for my husband. So we could be on the same page with how we did things with the boys. I guess there was a lot in my brain……
So that was then.
Now we are more like, “Hey make sure you feed them breakfast. I’m going to yoga.”
The good news is that I gladly accept the Mom worry these days. They are worth it. The bad news is that my Dad always reminds me that the worrying never stops. It’s the most permanent part of your being from now until you die. You don’t stop worrying when they leave for college. You don’t stop worrying when they have kids of their own. So we won’t call it worry anymore.
We will just call it love.