The Grief Tide
Grief tide… I watched my parents grieve a large amount of my childhood. From the day I was born until I was 16 years old, my Mom lost both her parents, two of her sisters, and her godson. My father lost his mother, best friend, and godson. In the early years I lived under the emotional shield of childhood. Information withheld from me. Not developed enough to understand every scene that played out in front of me. In the later years, welp, I learned a lot about life…
I learned that parents aren’t super heroes. Grief isn’t a good look on any one. It takes an emotional toll on ones body and mind. The feelings are strong and the desire to numb these feelings is strong as well. How raw it feels to miss someone so deeply.
Luckily, those days are nothing but a distant memory now. We somehow stumbled through, coming out on the other side with small emotional scars tucked away for a rainy day and a dark sense of humor.
These past couple weeks have brought up some old thoughts and memories due to the conversation i’ve been having about death. All of these things happened in the past month: My soul mom lost her neighbor to breast cancer. My “ghost of Brittany past” baby friend lost her cousin and then a friend from high school in a car accident. My dancing queen/sea monkey mother friend lost one of her best friends. Suicide.
My Dad’s very best friend killed himself while I was in high school. I’ve heard my Dad say 100 times over the years.. “I saw him that day. I knew something was going on…” Then trail into mumbling of coulda woulda shoulda. I watched my beautiful cousins who were more like sisters to me growing up, bury their Dad. I look back and realize I had no skills to offer them the support they deserved. I was a self centered teenager who was so wrapped up in her own train wreck of a home situation, I couldn’t think of any one but myself. I should have loved them harder. Oh well, they turned out to be a couple of bad ass independent world traveling ladies. Now as an adult I get to admire them.
So watching my friends who I love, hurt so hard, I hate it. Yet, I also know there is almost nothing I can do to make it better. Grief is like the tide. It comes and goes. One day you do stop crying. Yet, the next wave could come back in and hit your so hard it could knock you over.
All I can do is remind you that people love you and want to help you, you just have to ask for it.
Take care of yourself. Exercise is the best way to deal with excessive sadness. Alcohol is the worst way to deal with it. Alcohol is a depressant. I’m not trying to be a jerk, that’s just science. I’m not saying don’t drink beers around a fire and hug your friends. You should always do that. I’m saying, check yourself. If you are mad, work out. If you are happy, drink beers and dance. Take care of yourself. Ask for help.