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Dear Gisele

 

Normally I’m not a fan of negative sharing and Internet rants. I go on the Internet to look at funny cat videos and to pin hundreds of recipes that I will never make.  I always felt that people who go on the Internet to be mean to other people are strange.

Why not take kick boxing or go to yoga to relieve you of your aggression?

Not head onto Facebook and pick fights with strangers.

Oh well, to each their own.

So I hope you don’t read this as a rant. I hope you read it for what it is, a reminder that you have never walked in any one else shoes.

You can’t possibly know what’s best for every one else. 

However, every time someone talks about breast feeding I always think of the same thing I read on the Internet and it pissed me off.

What always comes to mind is that super super super model and Tom Brady lady lover, Gisele said “It should be against the law to formula feed a baby under 6 months.”

That may not be the exact wording, but that’s the gist of it.

I know. I know. This is old news in the Mom blog world.

 But due to my own personal struggles, this always makes me feel rage inside my not so logical postpartum brain. Which sent me into a Jerry Maguire type manic writing episode.

So I’m going to share anyways!

Plus, I’m sure Gisele can handle it. I mean if I offend her I’m sure she can just put her lap top down and go kiss Tom Brady on the mouth.

I know that would cheer me up. Sorry Josh.

So here is a letter to Gisele from one mere mortal Mom.   

Oh and lastly. Disclaimer: If breastfeeding talk makes you uncomfortable you may not want to read this. But instead of reading this. Take your palm and slap it against your face and then grow up… It’s the most natural thing a human being can do. Get over it. 

Dear Gisele,
       I’m just so glad that you could take a minute of your time when you are not on the Victoria Secret runway or doing your hot hunk of love Mr. Brady to make sure you could judge us Moms for giving our baby formula.
I don’t know what it is, but something about you saying “Giving a baby formula under the age of 6 months should be illegal” really rubs me the wrong way.
Actually, I do know what it is! It’s my OWN personal experience.
 Do you care? Probably not.
But I shall share anyways!
Listen G, I get it. Breast feeding ROCKS!
Pregnant past Brittany had big dreams and plans let me tell you! Breast feeding for 6 months? Ya right, past Brittany was going to breast feed for year! And I would cover up, but I would do it in public places!
Are you kidding me? I had 6 months off from work, it’s awesome for your baby, and man do I love to save a buck!
 I pictured myself up late at night with my shirt off, hair flowing, soft music playing, breast feeding my small creature.
Well guess what? Past Brittany is an idiot.
DO you know how many times I read things about “Don’t make plans when your a Mom.” Nothing ever works out like your think it will.
It totally works out! But you can’t plan this shit.
Alas, silly past pregnant Brittany made big plans anyways.
Read every book. BOUGHT nursing covers, the “breast friend”, breast milk storage containers etc. You get the picture. I was ready.
     
The one thing I know for sure is that silly past naive Brittany definitely didn’t picture her 10 lb hunk of love screaming his brains out the first night he was home. Unable to latch on. Hungry and angry as a bear. 
Baby goes SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM! Momma goes WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEP. 
Husband frantically pacing in circles and tripping over the dog, asking how he can help me on repeat. Me crying and telling him to go away.
Fast forward to me ripping open samples of Similac cause now at 4 AM my baby STILL hadn’t eaten.
Not ORGANIC formula. Not something I had research and selected. But those small little packets that they mail you while your pregnant saying.. “Hey try our shit!” 
The hospital nurses told me “If you just keep trying, it will work. The first week is the hardest. If you get through the first week it will get better.”  Although I know there intentions were good..  it ended up being the mantra I could hear in my head that drove me toward insanity) 
Just have to try harder. Then it will work.
So guess what Mrs. Tom Brady? I gave my 3 day old infant CHEMICALS!! Because my alternative was to LET HIM STARVE.
I know, dramatic. But seriously, those were the options for me and angry bear at that point!
Okay, then I got it in my head… I just need to TRY HARDER!
So the first two weeks of Ben’s life I was going to the lactation specialist everyday. I was pumping every 3 hours/24 hours per day like a LUNATIC. I had AMAZING Mom friends coming over and getting to second base with me on the reg. Nipple shield, hot towels, you name it.. I did it!
Only in the end to hear a woman who writes college level texts books about breast feeding and had a BREAST IS BEST bumper stickers on her mini van gently tell me that is important to know when to give up and enjoy my baby.
She gracefully said, “Your tits are the sahara. It’s over.”
Well maybe that wasn’t what she said. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was too busy trying not to cry in front of strangers.
Blowing upward at my eyes.
Well I bet your next mom thought is well why don’t you just pump then?
Good question. I did that too! Every pumping session I got MAYBE 1/2 oz. Sweet Jesus it was disappointing.
Eventually they just dried up. I didn’t have to ween. They just literally decided to stop working and shrank back up to my perky 14 year old chest that never grew.
I don’t know why I’m surprised, I waited all my teenage years for them to grow and that never happened either. My boobs are disappointing and that is something I now learned to accept!
Let’s just say I never got the call to throw on my wings and head down to join you at the Victoria Secret runway show.
I mean I showed up outside the door with wings on, but they were just like… “You’re drunk. Go home.”
So listen Tom Brady’s smoking hot wife who occasionally may have shown up in some questionable pregnancy sex dreams of mine, you need to open your mind.
This goes for all my Facebook friends too.
This is not a PRO-formula rant.
It’s a why can’t we butt out of other peoples decisions rant?
A moms #1 job is to do what is best for HER FAMILY. Not your family… you are already doing that job!
Breast feeding, pumping, formula, or anything else that is out there! It should be illegal to give a baby formula?
Hmm… So I should have let Ben just die? Whoa. that was dramatic again. But you get my point! He was NEVER going to latch on. My boobs were never going to produce.
So unless you wanna get over here and breast feed my kid while I take a nice nap then I suggest you shut it.
Ooo.. That wasn’t very nice. Telling people to shut it. Ha ha. But every ones journey is there own!
It is actually ignorant because you are only seeing things threw your eyes and your experience.
Which p.s. I am so jealous of! That’s amazing that you were just spraying milk like a morning cow. Good for you! But if someone can’t breast feed because of medical issues going on, because they are back to work so super fast because they are a single Mom, because they adopted, or whatever there own personal reason may be. Let us not judge.
EVERYONE knows breast feeding is good unless you live under a rock. We are a generation of Moms who have so much information at our finger tips. Maybe too much information!
Just please spare me the link on Facebook of why breast feeding is good. I know that.
Parenting decisions are not black and white. That is literally the FIRST lesson Ben taught me.
And guess what? I have a feeling Ben is going to be just fine.  
I hope we can still be friends G.
Just don’t tell me what to do.
Love,
Somebody’s Mother
P.s. Here are my not breast fed minions being scholars… Well I hope they are scholars who receive scholarships because I spent their college tuition already paying for formula.
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One Comment

  1. Hey Brittany! Discovered your blog while going through Facebook pages. Peaked my interest now that I'm a mom myself. I too had a dream that breastfeeding was going to go smoothly then I had a 5lb 10oz baby full term and lost 12percent body wieght in a week and was peeing urine crystals! so yeah….formula is a miracle in my book!!! Love your blogs btw! Keep writing!! 🙂

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