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Days You May Need to Call a Friend to Surgically Remove Your Kids from Your Butt.

Days you may need to call a friend to surgically remove your kids from your butt.
(That’s the working title. but also best possible way to describe today.)

What? Oh my! What is she talking about? My kids? No way. They are angels 24/7 365 lady…… Or so says my Facebook page…

YOU know exactly what I’m talking about.

Ya, a million days in a row can be great. Your kids can be great sleepers. Happy babies. Two of your very best pals. But no matter who you are and how many hours you spent on Pinterest planning your nursery, one day you will  have to pay the piper.

Your children will act in a manner in which no human being should act. Ever.

Your blue eyed angels take the day off. You know they will be back. They always come back.

But every once in a while, Satan’s hand puppets show up at your house.

On these particular days your children cry and grab at your body, but won’t actually let you snuggle them.

It’s an infuriating feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, I know you’ve made peace with the loss of all your personal space for the foreseeable future.

Me personally? I typically love when my kids are all over me.

The more sitting on top of me the better. I actually spend a decent amount of my morning forcing my love onto them. Pinning them down and tickling them to death. Trying to force them to sit with me while we watch Sesame Street.

They are always so busy.

That box of blocks isn’t going to dump itself out, Mom.

But there is something that is the opposite of snuggling. Opposite of loving with out boundaries. That my friends is what we like to call in the Mom psychology field, “They won’t get off my shit.”

SO much whining so close to you.

SO much of your hair being pulled.

Pretending they want to sit with you but then scratch your face when they try to climb over you to touch an electrical outlet behind you.

Ya Ben, the baby proof stuff is still on. You don’t need to check every day. (I call him the safety inspector.)

Or they just elbow you in the neck as they squirm around.

Dramatically falling in front of you and crying face into the floor is also a fan favorite at our house.

Maybe giving a brother a shove because he is also trying to receive love from the Mom.

How dare anyone else even look at your Mom?

 

DO NOT WORRY.

It won’t last forever.

They will, at some point, settle down for a bit.

But if you dare get up and attempt to do ANYTHING productive, the whole scene gets instantly replayed.

Take 25 Scene 3: “I think I’m going to lose my mind.”

How dare you try and unload the dishwasher Mom.

We will now both cry at your feet as a natural consequence.

 

They basically spend the entire day living like it is always between the hours of 5pm and 6pm.  The good old witching hour.

When your kids behavior usually goes from a check to a check minus. Every one is tired.

This week Ben only answers “no” to everything you say to him past 5pm. Tired is not a good look on him.

Happy hour and the witching hour are the same time? Isn’t that a strange coincidence?

Oh, Life!

 

Teething is a big culprit of these days. I love blaming stuff on teething. It’s much more socially acceptable to respond to someone with:

“Oh he’s teething! You know how that goes!” *Mom shrug*

Instead of saying the truth which would be something like..

“He’s being a real jerk to me today. He looked at me with dead eyes and shoved all the folded laundry off the coffee table. He accidentally punched me in the eye while trying to fight me about getting into the car seat. He put five raisins in my butt crack while I was trying to change the babies diaper. He threw a piece of bologna at the dog and hit the leather couch and it stuck to it. He stole his brothers pacifiers, socks, and toys. Gathered them all up and threw them over the baby gate into the mud room. He looked at me with eyes that said, “naps are for suckers” as I closed the door for afternoon nap. Then he proceeded to just yell up in his room. When I was finally defeated. I see this face. This gloating face, looking so victorious. How do you stay mad at this face? No wonder I let him terrorize me daily.”

 

Why does diaper rash come along with teething?

It’s just plain cruel.

You take the diaper off your seven month old baby. Try to give that bum a little air for ten minutes. You know this is good for it.

Why is your facial expression “surprise”? Why would you be surprised that during that 10 minutes that he is diaper less  he is obviously going to turn, make direct eye contact with you, smile, and then take an adult size poop on your new living room carpet.

That’s how parenting works. If you take off a diaper for 10 minutes, you are basically asking for someone to poop on your rug.

Oh and if you are a Mom to be. Don’t get nervous. These days are few and far between. BUT, truth be told they do have a tendency to be the days that you try and plan stuff. Holidays. Birthday parties

Any type of gathering that you feel like you are playing the amazing race just to get you and the kids ready for this event.

Those are just the facts.

Um boys, I paid 16.99 for those costumes off of Amazon. If you think you are not getting your picture taken. You are sadly mistaken.

CHEESE!

 

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