Hi New Mama’s,
Welcome! Your life belongs to someone else right now. You are currently riding the baby postpartum roller coaster. The high and low is just about as extreme as it’s going to get for you emotionally in your life. One minute you are basking in the glory that is snuggling with a baby. The next minute you are fully engaged in a nap battle with this little creature beast and he is slowly defeating you. Definitely a bumpy ride. Just so you know that you are not alone, I have comprised a list of 5 REAL things that happened to me in the first three months of having my second son. To make you laugh. To make you shake your head. To make you feel better about anything crazy that has happened in your own experience! Anything to help a friendly friend. I don’t offer parenting advice to other people. But I will supply comfort, wine, and hugs.
So I had a newborn and a 13 month old. Life at the barn, let me tell you….
Shit was bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Here is some real Mom truth:
The GROSSEST I WAS:
#1 I peed my pants in Babies R Us from sneezing. It all happened so fast. I did not leave the store. It took me 45 minutes to get the boys out the door that day. People kept pooping. So we had finally arrived. We needed formula. No turning back now. Sorry world..
THE MEANEST FOR
MY OWN ENTERTAINMENT I WAS:
#2 I always changed the baby right on the bed at night. We had a co-sleeper attached to my side, so I’d just plop him on our bed. One night he peed with the diaper off and it hit my husband in the eye and he woke up all startled. “huh huh wha whats going on?” And I was like.. “shh shh.. honey, nothing, bad dream for you. go back to bed.” Then laughed to myself for 10 minutes.
THE CLUMSIEST I WAS:
#3 My legs look like a battered woman’s from running into things in the middle of the night while looking for bottle stuff. SO MANY BABY GATES. Running around my house like a ninja in the night. Somehow baby crying is so much worse in the middle of the night. I feel like I’m playing the amazing race. Even with my pre set up station of nighttime bottle needs (I’m no fool, I’m prepared.) Still, I’m stumbling threw the motions. I’m spilling formula all over the counter and I’m like ahhh… just leave it. Wasting time! Why is the baby 10x louder at night? Always running up the stair case two stairs at a time. Sometimes bumping into the wall. Hey! I never claimed to have done well on little sleep. But I do it! That’s all that matters.
THE MOST TIRED,STUPID, and LUCKY I WAS:
#4 Most importantly and AWFULLY. We are renovating what will be the boys room hopefully by Summer. Josh gutted the whole room and had torn out the floors, wall, ceiling and so the floor was just plywood and beams running across it. It is off the end of the house so it is all just locked up for now. One Saturday morning I asked Josh to go pick up prescriptions at CVS. BOTH boys were sleeping. Amazing magical alone time. We had just started talking about the plan for the boys room the night before. So of course I then burned off all the leg hair on my thighs pulling a late night Pinterest bender. While in this strange alone time I creep past the boys rooms and I unlock the door to the unfinished room. I’m standing in the door way staring at the room trying to decide how I am going to place all these Pinterest plans.
I hear a little two week old smudgy baby crying in my room down the hall. I turn real fast and my insanely tired strung out self accidentally stepped backwards onto the plywood floor. Now I know this sounds really stupid to you. But you have to understand that I am not graceful and this topic will come up again as long as I’m blogging.
Example: When I was in 7th grade I tripped over
the cat while I was running backwards in our living room
and broke my wrist.
Anyways, I can’t change what happened in the moment. I spun quick and fell back. Cause of course I’m standing RIGHT on the edge of the doorway for optimal viewing of the room. I lose my balance and before I can even think, I am falling threw the floor of the room. I actually kind of rode the piece of plywood to the ground. Slammed into the ground and looked around at the nails sticking up around me. I was in such a state of shock I wasn’t even sure if one of the nails was sticking into me. There were cuts but no nails. Thank god. Tetanus shots are the worst. For once I am grateful for the 60 lbs of weight I had to lose. My rear end surely saved me. I fell 15 ft threw the f*cking floor and landed in our little garage./horse stall. Sorry for dropping an F bomb. Curse words were created for emphasis and situations like this. People just overuse them and use them incorrectly. But when you fall 15 ft threw your ceiling I think you are allowed to curse. Um.. So that happened. I’m OKAY! LUCKY as ever and bruised like whoa. Awful. But my life has never been normal so I just move on. Well first I go through the steps of healing.
-Completed shock and silence
-Hysterical crying as soon as my Dad picks up the phone.
-Intense hugging of Josh and weeping into his chest.
That’s about all I remember.
People actually said to me after. “Oh thank god you weren’t holding the baby.” and “Oh thank god you weren’t pregnant.” Ummm really? WHY would you even say that to me. Think people! Because now I’m going to go cry myself to sleep. Is it necessary to give me examples of how this could have been even worse?? I think the whole situation was bad enough as it was. It’s okay though. After being pregnant for two years I am immune to people’s strange comments. I usually just nod my head. Com’on people. Don’t fuel an emotional woman’s fire!
THE MOST “LAUGH OR YOU WILL CRY” I WAS:
#5 Now after the tragical tale above I will move onto letting you laugh at my expense. I will tell you one more story that begins on a postpartum day just like every other. Josh and I refer to this incident as “the poopcident”. This tale always happens when you least expect it. It starts with your adorable blue eyed blond haired one year old playfully running away from you before you get the new diaper on him. Fresh out of the tub. He runs into his closet and keeps peeking his head out and laughing hysterically. You stare at his tiny body and think “Wow I can’t believe I created something so amazing.”
You take a minute to pat yourself on the back at how awesome your kid is. But in that moment of adoration for yourself the mood shifts quickly. Your beautiful naked playful 14 month old is now beet red and shitting on the floor. Carpeted bed room of course! He’s making direct eye contact with you and grunting. You pause and panic and then quickly grab as many wipes as you can. You grab the naked poop ninja and start trying to clean him off. He is now in full blow squirm mode. He has now wiped poop on your leg and while your wiping his butt he lunges forward and begins to actually grab the poop that had landed on the floor. He’s now squished it in his hands and dropped his pacifier in the remaining feces. You move to his hands and try desperately to get it all as he is trying to put them in his mouth. Gag x3289823.
While this is going on, he now sits down on your lap and the remaining shit that you abandoned for the greater good, is on your lap. At this point you just go into all out crazy Mom mode. You pin him down with your forearm and just wipe his whole weasel body. You are so deep in your nightmare that you just get super mom strength and some how miraculously get this tiny poop monster into some clean clothes and a diaper. Although the entire time he is screaming in your face. As you proceed to set him free from the “getting changed torture chamber” he takes one step, stops crying, giggles and walks over to the book shelf. You sit on the floor with your back against his crib and access your life. It occurs to you that you shouldn’t have even dressed him because he needs to get into the tub and scrubbed. You decide its okay because of the following. At least even mothers who actually made the nursery out of all the things they pinned on Pinterest get poop on their face as well sometimes. That thought comforts you.
Good luck friends. Don’t worry the good by far outweighs the bad. Just remember that in-between each of these days there was some of the best days of my life sandwiched in there. But if you are going to be a parents you can’t hang onto bad days. You have to regroup and move forward. Mostly, because that’s what you have to teach your kids. Let things happen, cry, laugh, heal, and start the next day. It’s the only way to survive. Oh and of course make sure you text your friends embarrassing pictures of yourself in the process.
Some body’s Mother.
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