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2016: A Year in Poo. I Mean REVIEW

 

2016:

Ah, are you thinking i’m going to talk about a lot of celebrities dying? Or that shit bag who raped the girl being the dumpster? Or the fact that social media has made the Presidential race full of a ridiculous slew of bad information on both sides.

No. No i’m not.

Although all those things sad, for sure. The reason I reference 2016 as being “A year in poo” is because I literally talk about poo all the time. 2016, the year of potty training. So much poop.

Was the most memorable moment in 2016 getting a book published and teaching yoga all over the world??? No silly! Those were day dreams you were having while you put a pillow over your head and told your kids its not morning yet. 2016’s most memorable moment was probably when my 3 year old decided to stop pooping all together. Constipating himself beyond belief.

One night I was thinking about going out and meeting my lady friends for a drink. Yet, instead I wound up putting a suppository into my sons butt. YA…. Sooo when you are about to become new parents, people are like “you are never going to sleep again! Har har.” You hear this frequently. Always about the lack of sleep, and believe me there is exhaustion.

What people don’t talk much about is how one day you will find yourself sticking something up your kids rectum for their own good and because you love them. No one warns you about the extent of the poop. Lack of poop. Poop explosions. Color of poop. You name it, it’s in your job description as keeper of the children.

Now, I’m grown up (ish). I love my kids. I can help them do something medically that will aleviate pain for them. That’s part of the Mom job! I know this. It was more the events that transpired directly after doing that, that have me shaking my head and mumbling to myself, “did that seriously just happen?”

I gave him some tea tree oil spray, which he loves spraying on the bath tub. Then bowed my head and whispered “sorry bud” under my breath as I surprised Mr. Clean.

So I did the deed. Then I kinda panicked. I wasn’t quite sure how to let all this play out. Not quite sure what to do with him. We are in the bathroom already so I have him stand on the towel. (I’m obviously going to throw the towel away after, don’t be gross)

It created lots of pressure. Therefore he is trying to sit down now. So you jump into Mom mode, grab him under his arm pits and try to stand him up. As he starts to poop out the Anaconda that ate Jennifer Lopez, he simultaneously starts to pee all over you. Fire hose force. He’s shouting “I’m sorry Mom!” as you continue to be drenched in urine. You put on your best Mom voice on and say “It’s okay baby!” Trying not to traumatize him any further. That will be saved for later, when he reads this blog one day and finds out that he gave him Mother a “golden shower.”

This is not memorable like I want to video tape it or make a christmas card of it. No. No. It’s memorable because its seared into my brain. Being a parent is living in the rawest form. You can’t control everything like you can when you are single. Children are like kamikaze pilots flying into your day.

Just when you think you have a plan, they will wipe their ass with it. Sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally.

blanket

Don’t worry 2016. I loved it all. Because I love them that much. Somedays we look like a L.L. Bean catalog family and somedays people yell into the monitor “Mom I pooped in my bed. Don’t worry I’m cleaning it…”

Yet still every single day, I can’t believe that I get to be their Mom.

That’s it. All you need to know about 2016 is that we are terrible at potty training and I got to be there Mom every damn day.

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One Comment

  1. Haha, I love this! We have three kids, and I swear my only conversation is about their poop. My middle child got constipated then refused to poop too… and talk about a crazy time. I never dreamed getting her to use the bathroom would be such a big deal. But, I will never forget holding her while she cried in a public bathroom because she was having troubles. It is forever seared in my memory.

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